Soiled Panties, A Dirty Diaper & Costco

Have you ever gone into a public restroom and seen a discarded pair of panties and wondered, “what the actual hell?”

Have you ever been in a parking lot and seen a dirty diaper and wondered, “who in the world does that?”

As of today, I have the answer!

Today I abandoned my panties at Costco and I nearly left Lincoln’s poopy diaper in the parking lot … here’s my story.

I had a whole peaceful, easy morning planned. Change my name at the Social Security office (just married, yay!) then lunch with some girlfriends. Easy peasy.

My day ended up getting totally jacked, loss of panties were the least of my concerns. Thomas (new hub, stud, most handsome man ever) had to come get me at the Costco. It was the last resort calling him. It was like an episode of “I Love Lucy” just one folly after the next. I’m just saying… I’m just really not the type of person to abandon my panties unless it’s a total emergency.

Let me start by saying something about my relationship with panties. I don’t usually wear them. When you have a big butt like mine, it doesn’t really make sense to wear them with jeans because they just go up your butt crack or they make lines on your butt if you wear leggings. I feel the same way about underwear that I do about greeting cards. To me, they are pretty much a waste of money and so I don’t bother with either. It will be because I saved money by skimping in these two areas that I can help with my five kids’ college tuition. You’re welcome kiddos!!

Shake your head if you want about my commando status, but there’s a lot of us out there. I’m not the only one free ballin’ in HB.

So, today I was wearing a dress that is elastic at the shoulders. The kind of top that you would see a woman wear in a Mexican cantina. Definitely not meant for nursing in public. When I wear a dress, I usually wear underwear. You know, for breezes and stuff. I had my coverup for nursing in the car if needed. I was all set.

First stop. Social Security office. I was surprised at how quickly I was served and how nice both of the guys were that helped me to get my name changed on my Social Security. The DMV office should get a schooling from the SS office.

The only hiccup is that Lincoln has a massive jogging stroller that I loaded up in the trunk and put her in her car seat to leave. That was when my brain gave me the signal I had to pee and I thought to myself “I am not unloading that stupid stroller and going back in.”  First mistake.

I had a lunch date at 12p but it was about 10 o’clock so I had plenty of time to pick up two weeks worth of Costco and get it home. I’d get it unloaded, freshen up the baby and be ready for lunch with the girls. By the way, these are new girlfriends that I really like a lot, but I don’t know them that well. They don’t really know about all of my escapades and crazy mishaps I find myself getting into. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I was really hoping to make a good impression. Not today.

I went into Costco and my card was not working anymore and I needed a new one. I get in the line and I’m not giving much thought to the fact that I have to pee. I stand there and wait about 10 minutes only to realize they need my ID when I go to pull it out of my wallet I find I’ve left it in the center console of my car after doing my Social Security visit.

So Lincoln and I truck our asses back out to the car. She’s all big blue eyes staring up at me and enjoying the bumpy ride in the Costco shopping cart. That was the second trip out to the car. I will have done six trips back and forth by the time I’m finally able to drive home and just as a side-note because I’m trying to lose weight, I’ve been parking very far away from store entrances trying to get in extra steps.

So I walk all the way back out there, I get my ID and I walked all the way back in. By this time I’m remembering I really have to go to the bathroom. So the guy needs to take my picture at Costco and by this time I’m sweating and the baby is starting to get a little agitated. We’re informed the machine is cleaning itself so it’s taking like an extra 10 minutes. We finally get that done and everything is fine and I start walking towards the bathroom and I realize that my bladder is at a breaking point. I mean 911.

I’m at a different Costco than I’m used to so I don’t really know the ins and outs of how to get to the bathroom and by the time I finally found it, getting that monumentally huge cart and the baby into a handicap restroom I totally lost the contents of my bladder. Everywhere. Well, most of it.

I sit down, finish and clean myself up, literally wipe the pee off my flip-flops with some thin public restroom TP, clean up the floor as best I can and what am I gonna do with my panties? Shoot they are soaked, so I threw them in the trashcan. (Now we know who in the hell does that… regular old girls like me… 🙂

So now I probably smell a little like pee and I’m down a pair of panties, but I still need to get those groceries… I’m not a quitter. So I decide I’m going to push through. I do a double wash my hands, and my baby girl grins at me as if to say my secret is safe with her.

I kind of go through Costco like, like… hmm, well like a woman with no underwear on who fears she smells like pee. I’m trying to race through so I can get home and get a rinse prior to lunch with my new girlfriends. By the time I get to the back end of the store Lincoln is really starting to screech and roar. She has taken a gigantic dump in her diaper and you can smell it.She’s sitting in it so she’s uncomfortable. So we press on through the store and she’s so loud that I have people that are asking me what they can help me load into my cart. Patrons want me out of the store! I’m sweating, she’s screaming, she smells like poop and I smell like pee.

So we trudge out to the parking lot to load groceries and on the way there I do the normal things like hitting my shins on the cart, roll over my toe, etc.

Meanwhile, my 9-month-old is wailing and wiggling because she’s totally uncomfortable in her diaper. The sun is beating down. I get everything in the car and I’m going from side to side with the cart because I have to put stuff in the backseats of the car too but I’m trying to keep the baby with me for safety. I don’t want to be an idiot and let my baby roll away in the cart, right?

I mean I really was thinking of stuff like protecting the baby and how to do all of this in the most efficient way. Mind you we had $350 worth of groceries so I was loading a lot of stuff in the car. I get everything in the car (barely) I walk the cart over to the cart return and double check to make sure there’s nothing left in it. It’s times like these I will normally leave my purse in the cart or on top of the car and drive away. So I was being very diligent and careful and double checking the cart.

I bring the baby to the front seat where the diaper bag is. I check the seat before I lay her down and it is warm but it’s not too warm for her to lay on. She starts immediately fighting with me, which she does all the time now when I change her diaper.

It’s literally like trying to diaper an alligator. With shit on its butt.

I make the discovery that I only had three dried out wipes left. Wonderful!

I’m getting hot from my struggles so I use my clicker to turn on the car. From where I was on the passenger side I could not reach the ignition. In order to turn on the car with our clicker, you have to lock the car first.

I LOCKED my car.

I turned on the car with the clicker to get the A/C to start blowing.
My 20 pounder was finally cleaned up and I put her on my hip. I take a deep breath. I got this, it was stressful but she’s clean, we’re good. I’m about to get us in this damn car and get home.

I proceeded to shut the passenger side door closed while It was LOCKED and RUNNING.

I stood there dumbfounded with a dirty diaper in my hand and a baby in the other. A baby with no pants on. Just her diaper. I was locked out with the groceries and keys in the car and it was running, with my cell phone sitting on the seat.

I wanted to call one of my close girlfriends to come get me because I did not want my husband to realize what an idiot he married.

But I didn’t know anyone’s number by heart and so I started walking toward Costco for what felt like the hundredth time and the baby was hitting me about the shoulders and face because she was super hungry at this point.

Status: Walking into Costco smelling like pee with no underwear on and my baby has no pants on. Dirty diaper in another hand. Groceries in the hot car. Car running.

The gentlemen at the membership desk were VERY sympathetic, probably because of the wailing babe on my hip and also all the sweat dripping down my face. Because my husband screens a lot of work calls he doesn’t normally answer phone numbers he does not know. So first he did not pick up and I had to leave a message. While the baby was screaming, and pulling the phone out of my ear I briefly explained to Thomas that I needed help.

Exasperated, I asked the guy if there’s any place I could nurse her. My boobs were in overdrive for my fussy baby girl. He pointed to a bench. Now I told you at the beginning of the story that I was wearing a stretchy top dress almost like a Mexican blouse top so if I pulled that down my whole breast is exposed and that’s exactly what I had to do. But when I saw that the bench was directly in the line of sight of EVERY SINGLE PERSON that was checking out of the Costco. I grabbed a couple of paper towels and tried to cover myself with that. 

Anything I had in my car to cover us with was… well, it was locked in the car with my keys and phone. The baby was not having it and kept grabbing the paper towel off me with her hand and trying to throw it down. Lovely.

She did stop screaming and started nursing and I felt better. My Mom hormones kicked in, the ones that make a woman feel like, “I don’t really give a shit what people think, I’m just gonna sit here with my boob out because it’s for my baby girl who’s hungry…” I started to relax. But then I remembered I was not wearing underwear. Insert large eye roll at self here.

About this time the membership guy comes to tell me my hubby is on the phone. I stand up I go over talk to Thomas and he says that he’s coming right away. I went outside and waited with all the patrons eating their $1.50 hot dog deals and thought about the fact that I couldn’t even call and tell my lunch dates I couldn’t make it.

We made it home. I went ahead and had a nice little pity-party tear-fest on the way home. I felt so frustrated. I had to call last minute and cancel with my girlfriends for lunch. I felt better after I got the car unloaded and got a quick shower.